Fanfic of Thrones: A Feast for Pwns

Euuugh.

Allow me to review this as nicely as I can:

Ok, the start was good. Funeral, mourning, all that. Makes total sense. Enough recognizable faces that the remaining recognizable faces got to have a sad moment.

The drinking scenes were all-right, but we just had these intimate drinking scenes. They did a good job casting Dany as feeling left-out, but she should recognize that Tormund and Jon go way back and there was no other path for him other than getting drunk and praising his friend. The “never have I ever” variation game was unnecessarily long for a show short on minutes. (Also, I won’t mention the Starbucks cup. Whoops.)

The Dany and Jon scene was obnoxious and is the first thing I want to discuss in depth: Dany is fucking bonkers and annoying when it comes to her need to sit her dragon-ass down on a throne made of swords. She refers to it as “MY throne” like a whiny baby. Let’s examine that briefly*. Pretend that Rhaegar and Lyanna never met, and Rhaegar stayed married to Elia. No Robert’s Rebellion.

King Aerys is the king. His eldest son, Rhaegar, is the crown-prince, and his son, Aegon by Elia, is the next in line to the throne (given that the crown went to Tommen before his older sister we can assume women come last in the line). Assuming something happens to Aerys, Rhaegar, and Aegon before Aegon has an heir of his own, the next in line is… Prince Viserys. If something were to happen to him and the Targaryens were going to start in on women, Princess Rhaenys still comes before Dany does as the daughter of the Crown Prince.

That still puts Dany fifth in line to the throne.

In the actual course of events, the living male heir of the Crown Prince is Jon Snow/Aegon Targaryen. Dany’s claim to the throne comes second to his: for all her big talk, in this scenario Dany is a usurper.

Now, back to the show, I have more complaints.

Sansa is the smartest person Arya knows, and she learned so much from Littlefinger, but she can’t hold back just a little bit when she’s talking to the pyromaniac power-mad Queen?

Why is Dany being impatient when the Golden Company are the ones on the clock and Dorne is throwing down with her? Her armies have to be beat to shit. Racing down to King’s Landing is foolish.

Oh, and Bran “doesn’t want anymore.” But he went through the catalog of old visions to find a model of wheelchair he wanted? I get that he needs to be mobile but I feel like either this is a mistake (likely) or a hint (I wish) that all of his stoic moping is a game.

Why did Jaime do all this redemptive stuff if he’s just going to turn heel and stomp off back to his sister who sent a cutthroat after him? Just to give us a parting scene that would be at home in a country western music video?

Tactical Blunders:

– Dany is on a dragon and can’t see a bunch of ships behind some rocks. Fine, whatever. But are the ballista bolts powered by that particular mountain? I’m asking because Urine Greyjoy tags Rhaegal several times through solid rock but manages to miss Dany after she hovers there and stares at him. If he had fired it was over. Even still, they connected around a mountain against moving targets but didn’t hit a hovering one.

– Dany and all her particular are standing just outside bouncing-head range from King’s Landing, with an army of archers and several ballista trained on them. Seriously it’s Dany, Varys, Grey Worm, some unsullied, a dragon, and Tyrion. Why didn’t Cersei just have her people start firing? They had the kill shot right there.

Oh, and I called the Gendry Baratheon thing. Did not think Arya would straight up murder his heart that way though.

Predictions:

– Dorne is behind Dany, but we still don’t know what is up with the Riverlands/Edmure.

– Varys is going to regret trusting Tyrion.

– Tyrion might regret trusting Dany.

– Bran might be up to something. Why else is he still involved at all?

* In this scenario, Robert Baratheon would have married Lyanna Stark. Jon wouldn’t exist, and neither would any of the Stark children we know: Catelyn would have married Brandon Stark, Warden of the North, and Ned Stark would have married Ashara Dayne. I have no idea what would have happened with the Lannisters. But I do know the Night King would still be coming and he might have a harder time without a dragon, as his dragon is the only one to do anything truly astounding.

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